YOU TEND TO PLAY THE VICTIM
You tend to play the victim
On the flip side, looking for ways he’s wronged you is a common defense mechanism when you’re feeling hurt or frustrated. It’s all too easy to throw a pity party when he goes on a work trip, leaving you to handle the kids and house. But it’s not a constructive way to resolve the deeper feelings that are leading you to victimize yourself. In her new book The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now, Tara Fields, Ph.D., LMFT, suggests a healthy way to release your anger: Write a letter to your partner, dumping all of your anger there. “Give yourself permission to wallow in the Land of Me, where everything is all about you,” she says. “Play the victim. Blame and shame all you want. Be as critical toward your partner as you need to be.” Then, tear it up or burn it. After this exercise, you should be more in touch with the emotions under the anger (sadness, longing, etc.), and you can have a heartfelt conversation with your husband about what led you to feel that way—in a way he can hear.






YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT
Many couples have a tough time conceding at the right moments—meaning they never learn when it’s okay to be the “loser” in an argument. For instance, if you insist you didn’t mean to be bossy when you handed him a to-do list of chores for the weekend, but he says it made him feel like your assistant, don’t argue. “Once you recognize that your buttons have been pushed and you’ve stopped to take a breath, you can ask yourself, ‘Do I need to be right? Or do I want to be a loving and supportive partner?” says Fields. Sometimes, it’s not your intentions that matter so much as the effects of your words or actions—and taking ownership of those is the key to turning a potential conflict into a constructive, even positive, interaction.





YOU’RE NOT ON THE SAME TEAM
In group settings, you don’t always have your husband’s back. Like when he wears that shirt you hate and you can’t resist making a snarky comment. No matter whom it’s in front of, the criticism hurts and it breaks the sacred, unspoken bubble of trust you have as a couple. It alienates you, showing others that you’re not a united front. Always try to be respectful, and if it’s still bothering you when you get home, bring up the issue behind closed doors. That way you can air it out sans audience—and without bruising his ego.  

Read the original article here.

Originally posted: 05/31/2012 3:45 pm Updated: 06/02/2012 1:54 pm in The Huffington Post

Robin Wilkey
robin.wilkey@huffingtonpost.com

The California State Senate approved a bill that would make California the first state in the nation to ban the use of conversion therapy, a type of psychotherapy aimed at turning LGBT people straight, among minors.

. . . .

However, the ban is not without its critics.

The National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) quickly came out against the bill on its website, citing it as inappropriate government intrusion.

“Bull,” said licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Tara Fields in response. “There are so many laws and guidelines regarding therapy because it is such a sacred resource for humans. People who come in here sometimes have serious psychological damages and it is essential that those boundaries exist.”

Fields said that, while there is little evidence supporting the success of conversion therapy, there is much evidence to support its impacts.

“There are those who have white-knuckled it and claimed that they’ve been converted. But research has shown profound negative psychological impacts, including anxiety and depression, as a result,” she told HuffPost. “And as therapists, we don’t have a right to decide what other people’s values should be.”

For the full article go to The Huffington Post

The challenge: dress slacks for a petite woman

• The budget: $200 or less
• The adviser: Tara Fields Ph.D., (pictured) TV and radio therapist
• Among the possibilities: Ralph Lauren Slim chocolate-brown wool/Lycra slacks with costs (for petites), $168, at Macy’s
• The solution: Banana Republic slim black wool/Lycra pinstriped slacks, $148, at Banana Republic, Mill Valley
• The reasoning: “The regular sized 2 fit just like a petite 4, which I’m used to buying, but with one very important exception — they were long enough! I need pants that look professional and are comfortable enough to sit in all day when I see patients and do a three-hour radio show. And the pinstripes are classic.”
• The last word: “As any petite woman can tell you, just because we are vertically challenged doesn’t necessarily mean we all have short legs. When it comes to finding slacks that fit, unfortunately, most are so short they’d only be good for waiting through the El Niño floods.

Originally posted: 06/22/2012 2:54 pm Updated: 06/27/2012 3:48 pm in The Huffington Post

The jury in the child molestation trial of former assistant Penn State football coach Jerry
Sandusky has days of testimony to consider, but one thing members likely won’t spend much
time deliberating is the defense’s contention that he suffers from a personality disorder,
according a nationally known expert.

“These kinds of [alleged] acts cannot be written off or defended by a mere personality
disorder,” Tara Fields, Ph.D., M.F.T., told The Huffington Post. Fields, a licensed marriage and
family therapist who has appeared as an expert on “Good Morning America,” “Dr. Phil,” and
A&E’s “Hoarders,” has not treated Sandusky, but is familiar with the allegations against him.

. . . .

According to the A.D.A.M. Medical Encyclopedia, histrionic personality disorder is a “condition
in which people act in a very emotional and dramatic way that draws attention to themselves.”
Symptoms include acting or looking overly seductive, being easily influenced by others, being
overly dramatic and needing to be the center of attention.

The defense’s purpose in presenting the diagnosis was not to provide an excuse for Sandusky’s
alleged actions, but to show that certain actions by Sandusky — letters to accusers, gifts, etc. —
were not intended to “groom” victims, but to satisfy the needs of his psyche.

Fields said she does not buy the diagnosis and does not expect the jury to either.

“What is so interesting is narcissism and histrionic personality disorder are very, very similar,
and if someone could use histrionic personality disorder or narcissist personality disorder as a
defense, it would shut down all reality shows as we know it,” Fields said. “Because if they put
out a casting call they’re basically going to list all the qualities of someone who is histrionic,
dramatic, needs to be the center of attention [and] acts out sexually. . . .

According to Fields, the disorder cannot explain away Sandusky’s alleged actions and should not
be considered an excuse in regards to child molestation.

“It’s absurd to use that as a justification for someone allegedly raping and destroying a child’s life
and all those that are connected to them — to have raped them physically, psychologically and
to create a life path where the consequences of having been a victim of sexual abuse can go on a
lifetime,” Fields said.

For the full article go to The Huffington Post