15 Ways You’re Secretly Ruining Your Marriage
YOU TEND TO PLAY THE VICTIM
On the flip side, looking for ways he’s wronged you is a common defense mechanism when you’re feeling hurt or frustrated. It’s all too easy to throw a pity party when he goes on a work trip, leaving you to handle the kids and house. But it’s not a constructive way to resolve the deeper feelings that are leading you to victimize yourself. In her new book The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now, Tara Fields, Ph.D., LMFT, suggests a healthy way to release your anger: Write a letter to your partner, dumping all of your anger there. “Give yourself permission to wallow in the Land of Me, where everything is all about you,” she says. “Play the victim. Blame and shame all you want. Be as critical toward your partner as you need to be.” Then, tear it up or burn it. After this exercise, you should be more in touch with the emotions under the anger (sadness, longing, etc.), and you can have a heartfelt conversation with your husband about what led you to feel that way—in a way he can hear.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT
Many couples have a tough time conceding at the right moments—meaning they never learn when it’s okay to be the “loser” in an argument. For instance, if you insist you didn’t mean to be bossy when you handed him a to-do list of chores for the weekend, but he says it made him feel like your assistant, don’t argue. “Once you recognize that your buttons have been pushed and you’ve stopped to take a breath, you can ask yourself, ‘Do I need to be right? Or do I want to be a loving and supportive partner?” says Fields. Sometimes, it’s not your intentions that matter so much as the effects of your words or actions—and taking ownership of those is the key to turning a potential conflict into a constructive, even positive, interaction.
YOU’RE NOT ON THE SAME TEAM
In group settings, you don’t always have your husband’s back. Like when he wears that shirt you hate and you can’t resist making a snarky comment. No matter whom it’s in front of, the criticism hurts and it breaks the sacred, unspoken bubble of trust you have as a couple. It alienates you, showing others that you’re not a united front. Always try to be respectful, and if it’s still bothering you when you get home, bring up the issue behind closed doors. That way you can air it out sans audience—and without bruising his ego.
Read the original article here.
