My Brother, My Bully – When a Sibling Wields the Sword
Just when we think we have made significant inroads on bullying at school, a study published in the journal Pediatrics reveals that sibling bullying can be far worse than what happens at school.
According to a study of over 3,500 children (up to age 17), the long-term consequences of being bullied,such as depression, anxiety and low self-esteem, are more prevalent in children who are bullied by a sister or brother than those who are bullied outside of the home—and a lot of families (and our entire society) are in denial about how often and how seriously it occurs. As many as 53% of children experience bullying at the hands of a sibling, yet it’s rarely recognized or discussed. Even worse, if sibling bullying is not addressed, both children are wounded by the behavior: one becomes a “professional” victim, the other a chronic abuser.
Because it’s too frightening or painful for any child to believe that they have parents who choose not to protect them, children conclude that they must deserve the abuse or that they are responsible for it occurring. When a parent does not step in and stop sibling bullying, they become an accomplice to the bullying. If this pattern is established early, it can have negative consequences for both children as they grow into adulthood.
Minor sibling rivalry is normal
Before we leap into labeling all squabbling between siblings as bullying, let’s keep in mind that it’s developmentally appropriate for some benign aggression or healthy competition to occur within families, especially between a first and second child. However, if that behavior escalates into punishing behavior, becomes habitual, negatively affects one or both of the children, or reveals an underlying lack of love or respect, it’s a more serious issue than sibling rivalry.
Why sibling bullying can be worse than schoolyard bullying
All bullying is destructive, but the intimate nature of families gives the source of the bullying more power to wound—often long before any capacity to realize how hurtful the behavior can be. Being bullied by someone who is supposed to love you goes right the source of your self-esteem; and experiencing that level of negative power creates a personality distortion for the child who wields the sword. If no one intervenes, the bullied child is more likely to make false assumptions regarding self worth and identify himself or herself as a victim; and the bully is more likely to assume that bullying is an acceptable way to get what he or she wants.
Why it is crucial that parents step in
The failure of parents to respond appropriately to the bullying behavior sends a message to the bullied child that no one is there to help and protect him or her. Over time, the unprotected child will come to believe that home is not a safe place to be, leading to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, key components of depression. Because it’s too frightening or painful for any child to believe that they have parents or caretakers who choose not to protect them, they conclude that they must deserve the abuse or that they are responsible for it occurring.
When parents witness the bullying and do not step in and stop it, they become accomplices to the bullying. If this pattern is established early, it can have negative consequences for both children as they grow into adulthood. Because bullying was acceptable behavior within the family, children bullied by siblings habitually end up with partners who are physically or psychologically abusive, and the bully ends up feeling entitled and justified in dominating his or her spouse.
Time and time again, I have worked with adult children bullied by siblings who are drawn to—and end up enmeshed in—relationships in which they end up feeling victimized or are simply treated unkindly. Rather than rejecting such behavior, they seem to accept that this is the nature of relationships. They habitually end up with partners who are physically or psychologically abusive because they grew up with a sibling who bullied them and a parent who didn’t protect them. The innate belief that they deserve to be punished unconsciously draws them to partners who recreate this earlier dynamic.
It’s bad for the bullies too
Often the adults who bullied their sibling or siblings, as children, become used to getting their way, always being right, and winning preferential treatment, especially if there were no consequences to their behavior as a child. As adults they may find it difficult to form and maintain healthy romantic and professional relationships. Often, though not always, these children grow up to be adults who have no qualms about exploiting or abusing the people they love. They may become verbally or physically abusive, continuing the same patterns of behavior that were implicitly or explicitly sanctioned in their family of origin.
What parents can do to prevent sibling bullying
Change comes with awareness, so the first step is to admit that bullying is a problem. Avoid assuming that the bullying, or even the constant picking on a sibling’s sister or brother, is benign or just a phase that they’ll outgrow. Admit that sibling bullying is a problem and then take the following steps to prevent it from happening again:
1. Explore what may be underlying causes of your child’s aggressive behavior. Start by looking at your own behavior. How do you handle frustrations? Do you belittle your spouse or adult siblings? Do you lash out or put down others on a regular basis? If you were bullied as a child, or permitted to bully your siblings, it may have ingrained behavior that you need to address.
2. Model better behavior. Children come to believe that the way their parents act is acceptable and model their own behavior accordingly. If you or your partner routinely verbally bullies the other to get his or her way or, as a couple, resort to anger or threats when you are frustrated, children make the false assumption that they need to do the same to get what they want.
3. Intervene immediately. Be clear about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior in your family—it’s equally important for both children.
4. Create consequences when children behave in a way that parents have clearly communicated will not be tolerated.
5. Spend time discussing and exploring healthy ways to resolve conflict and manage frustrations.
6. Foster love and support within the family.
Believe in Everyone’s Ability to Change
The most extreme and heartbreaking example I experienced in my practice involved a woman who had been in a series of abusive relationships with men. While in treatment, she revealed a longstanding secret that she had never told anyone because of the profound shame she felt. She shared that her brother used to beat her up all the time. I asked her if her mother or father did anything to protect her. She hesitated, and then revealed something she’d never told anyone: Her mother used to encourage her brother to beat her, yelling “hit her, hit her!” while the abuse was taking place. The positive and healing aspect of this revelation was that she immediately saw the horror on my face and the tears that welled up in my eyes upon hearing the story. I told her that there was nothing wrong with her, that she did not deserve this treatment then and does not deserve it now. Rather than confirming her false assumption that she was somehow responsible for, or deserving of, abuse, she received a clear, immediate, and complete contradiction of the message that had been conveyed to her as a young child. I’m happy to share that after that session, and in the months to come, there was a profound shift with this woman. Her bulimia resolved, and two years later, she’s in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man.
The effects of childhood bullying can be devastating, but there is always hope that the wounds caused by these experiences can be healed, and that both the bully and the bullied child can grow up to lead happy, healthy, and fulfilling lives.
It all begins with recognition that sibling bullying takes place and needs to be addressed as seriously as schoolyard bullying—and it’s up to individual families to see the truth, prevent destructive bullying, model healthy behavior, and enact a zero tolerance policy. In doing so, they will be gifting all of their children with the kind of upbringing that fosters love.
